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Posts Tagged ‘fail’

7 Failed Album Covers

We’ve all seen ’em. You’re browsing through the racks of new and used CDs at your favorite music store & then… BAM! Your eyeballs are assaulted by some of the strangest/ most disturbing/ least wanted visual images you’ve ever seen. I happen to live for these moments. They bring me immense pleasure and I have been known to actually cackle in the middle of the store, bringing stares from on-lookers and scowls from the employees behind the counter. So here is a small glimpse into my personal world… I give you 7 immensely strange album covers.

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You Don't Have To Be Black To Love The Blues

You Don’t Have To Be Black To Love The Blues- Junior Parker

“You don’t have to be black to love the blues…” but apparently you do have to be any race other than Caucasian and willing to perpetuate racial stereotypes. This small Asian child is all too willing to dive into a watermelon roughly the same weight as his little brother as long as he can get his thimble-full of muddy watered-down blues (Get it? muddy watered= Muddy Waters? I’m pure genius. You don’t have to be jealous of my rapier wit. Lol).

The Kingdom Seekers- We’ll Be Gone

Ah, the 70’s, how I wish I had been a part of you. These heavenly blue dresses are just what the doctor ordered to cure this nasty rash of crotch shots that permeate our media airwaves.  Is it just me or do the women look like they are permanently leaning away from the center of the picture? “I’ve got it!” Larry TooShort said to his stylist. “I finally know how to stand out. Bill’s got that awesome porn-stache; Tom’s got his mannequin-hand. I’ll be the ladies’ man! Could you just sew a couple of really strong magnets into Karen & Maddie’s dresses? I’ll stick a couple in my pockets and they won’t be able to keep their hands off me!” Perhaps Larry TooShort there should have rethought having such strong magnets sewn into the dresses. Or maybe he should have learned about polarity.

Cocktails & Conversation- Jan August

I knew Lars & The Real Girl was a remake. This CD should be subtitled “How To Score With Your Date: Roofies- Your Ace In The Hole”

The Planets- Gustav Holst

Way to sex up classical music, Westminster/Gold. Between those awesome ray guns and the man-sized leotard/ bodysuit combo & granny panty crotch shot, who wouldn’t get all hot and bothered by these galactic crusaders?

Push Push- Herbie Mann

All that glorious chest/stomach hair… This man must play a mean flute to have gotten a record deal despite his preoccupation with masturbation. He couldn’t even stop tugging it long enough to take the picture. With one hand on his flute and the other on his… other flute, Herbie ushered in the age of sexy winds.

I Love My Life- Jim Post

Sweet ‘stache, man! What with the thundering waterfall and the sneak-peek of that long mop of hair you’re hiding back there, you could have been a death row inmate’s wet-dream, but instead you come to bring us sexy, sexy tunes. Thank you, Jim Post. Thank you & your wet rat mustache.

Music To Massage Your Mate By

Also found under its alternate title: “Bow-Chick-a-Bow-Bow.” His creeper stare is enough to make you run for the nearest tube of super glue and glue your own lady secret together for protection take the edge off any woman’s day and his hands promise to lock you up in a sex dungeon and torture you until you agree to play house with him take you on a magical journey to complete relaxation. I’m wondering if the instructional booklet goes a little something like this: 1. Position your target mate on the nearest suede object (couch/ottoman/rug/jacket) & push her fluffy blouse up around her chest. 2. Make sure your cut off shorts are a little too short for comfort but just shy of screaming “YMCA” when your ass cheeks rub together. 3. Position the camera so that you can capture all of the action to relive again & again after she gets away when your lady friend calls it an evening. 4. Put on Music To Massage Your Mate By and get to rubbing one out on her.

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