Archive for July, 2014

At least, no one told me (warned me is more like it). Sure, people will always give you advice & often times you neither want nor need it /thank you *kind* old interfering woman in the grocery store who told me that my ginger child must be adopted since both my husband and I currently have brown hair. Mine is dyed; just an FYI, nosy/ . But sometimes, just sometimes, you wish someone had clued you in on a few of the *little* things beforehand. What are some of the things I wish I had been told? Buckle up and take a little trip down Embarrassment Lane with me.


1. Eventually you will wear poop. You will wear poop all day. You will wear poop all day and you just won’t be able to care because your child is still crying for the fourth hour in a row, you have to shop for dinner and your sweet little scream-machine is already strapped into her carseat. And so you go out in public with crap on your shirt and no amount of stranger staring can penetrate your mommy-fog.


2. Even the easy babies can drive you nuts. My daughter has slept for an average of 6-7 hours a night since we brought her home from the hospital. Despite this, or maybe because of this, her nights when she does wake up to feed once or twice a night are always tough and the following mornings suck. Hard. Since we figured out what was up with her latch, she really only cries when she is hungry, cold or overly sleepy. I really am lucky. And that’s what I tell myself when my little lovebug won’t stop kicking me in the stomach and go to sleep, even after we’ve been trying for three hours.


3. Your newborn daughter isn’t the only one who needs to wear diapers. Those first few weeks after you give birth, your potty breaks come with all sorts of strings attached. You have to douse yourself in tepid water, blot yourself (“Don’t wipe!” you get told in no uncertain terms by the nurse currently wrist deep in your business and washing you off), take off and dispose of your current diaper only to put on another huge diaper, and then you finally get to pull up your beautiful new one-size-fits-no-one mesh panties. And if you had a c-section, like I did, you get the added fantastic experience of lifting up your new belly fold and tucking another diaper in there. But when you let go of the skin, for god’s sake do it gently. Letting all of that ex-baby-house flop around is not only incredibly mortifying, it’s also pretty f*cking painful. What once took you 3 minutes, including a very thorough hand washing, now takes you 7 minutes if you’re not also trying to fend off an overly interested 85-lb. dog who wants to lick your ouchie and make you feel better. I can’t tell you how many times I said, “Gross, Rosie! Go. Back. Out. No. Stop!”


4. You will whip your tit out in front of anyone to feed your child. My father has seen them. My husband’s father has seen them. My clients have seen them.  My nurses, lactation consultants, specialists, doctors, midwives, coworkers, husband’s coworkers. Yep. They’ve all seen them, too. Who the hell cares at this point? These things are nothing more than giant, painful, poorly sealed ziploc bags… that do happen to do some pretty amazing shit.


5. Speaking of titties… You will grow to hate your own boobs. They will be ridiculously huge, then they won’t anymore. And you’re not quite sure which one you would have preferred. I had an oversupply in the beginning and then, wham-o, it just went away. I had to start supplementing at 8-weeks and it damn near killed me. Feeling like my body betrayed me and feeling like I was starving my child & couldn’t provide for her the way a mother was supposed to be able to was more than I ever thought I could handle. But somehow I did; and if it happens to you, so will you.


6. Some day you will wet yourself. If you had a vaginal delivery, you might experience it more than once. For me, I went 16 glorious weeks before it happened. Today at the babysitter’s my daughter ran out of formula. Since I was going to be picking her up in 2 hours, the babysitter didn’t call to alert me since she knows I take my daughter straight home. But today, my husband had rehearsal across town and I forgot my house keys. I drive 15 minutes to my husband’s work, swap my cash for his credit card (long story and not worth explaining) and then get back in my car to go home. My daughter begins to have a meltdown 10 minutes from home. By the time I pull in, I have to pee so bad my eyes are floating but she is seriously upset. We get upstairs and I manage to get the door open on the first try (go mommy!), with one arm full of baby and the other full of baby stuff. I debate for all of about 2 seconds if I can go pee before I make her a bottle and feed her. If you read the first sentence up there, then you know I obviously chose the bottle first. She makes it halfway through and I just can’t wait anymore. I set her down and waddle awkwardly to the bathroom, only to be about 5 seconds too late. So now mommy is wishing she was still wearing those stupid diapers.


Now, don’t get me wrong. There are some hilariously rough parts of parenthood, but they are outweighed so heavily by amazing things that will make your heart feel more full and complete than ever before. Those are the things people always share with you: the smiles, the hugs, the love, the baby sounds, the joy of simple things like tracking objects and faces, the beauty of a sleeping baby, the overwhelming adorable that is a baby who is sleeping so hard she has pushed the paci from her mouth and is crushing it with her squishy little cheek, the way that she holds your pinky and somehow manages to fit your whole heart in her fist as well.


Oh, those things are so lovely! I suppose there’s a good reason no one warns you about the mommy-diapers, or the boob hate, or the poop shirts; they’re scared you’ll choose not to be a mommy, and they know that it is the most amazing job you will ever have, because they’ve been there. So I just want to say, yes, there are things no one will tell you & you’ll have to fumble around and figure it out on your own, but you will figure it out. And you’ll do it your way, and you’ll be the most amazing mother your child could ever have. And you just have to remember that it will all be ok. Even on the days that you piss yourself.

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