Archive for April, 2012

At this point, I don’t even know what to do with these emotions or thoughts, so I figured it was best to just get them out of my head and onto… umm… paper? I’m going to do this as anonymously as possible, but I’m not honestly sure how successful I’ll be. For those of you who know me irl, you know that I recently broke a self-induced 3 1/2 hiatus from the dating world. I realized with the dissolution of my previous relationship that I had built up a healthy store of unhealthy relationship habits and issues. So this break from dating and sex was my way of learning to reclaim my own life.

For as long as I can remember, pretty much my whole dating life, I have been all too willing to give up little pieces of myself to make sure my partner was healthy, happy, satisfied and- ultimately- just around for the long haul. By giving up my own personality, inch by inch, along with my own desires/goals, I wound up losing myself completely and becoming nothing more than a vessel to be used by my partner to further their own interests. It was really no wonder that I started to consider myself expendable. I’ve often heard myself say, “I’m just not the forever-girl; I’m the til-something-better-comes-along-girl.” And why was that? Why on earth were people using me to springboard themselves, fix their issues and then find someone different to walk out their life’s path with? Well, plain and simple, because I allowed it. I expected it and didn’t think that I was worthy of more.

I began casually dating a friend of mine back in January and we wound up making it official in February. It would have been a good relationship, one where I wasn’t going to be expected to give any part of myself up in favor of his interests. But it moved very quickly and I realized that I wasn’t ready for that sprint-to-the-altar kind of relationship. It would have been awesome if I could have just given myself over to it and let it happen. I mean, really, what would have been the problem? I would have been married, I would have had awesome step-children, my best friend (his ex-wife, coincidentally) would have been family… But it didn’t feel “right.” Whether that was timing or because we both still have issues we need to work on, I’m not completely sure; in the end, the result was the same whatever the cause.

Shortly after this friend and I amicably split, I met a man out at a local music gig that a friend of mine was playing. We had an amazing first ‘date,’ as we later started to refer to it. He held open doors for me, we had engaging, meaningful conversation, we have common interests, I found his moral integrity to be refreshing and attractive, and he was just a beautiful man from the inside out. We began to spend a lot of time together and things were going swimmingly. We were both falling quickly into something beautiful and scary. Then comes the inevitable drop of the other shoe, the whole reason for this stream-of-consciousness posty thing.

He has an old friend that he introduced me to one night, making clear his intentions of keeping me around for awhile. It was quite clear that I was a romantic relationship for him. Well this old friend happens to be female, and my manfriend happens to be her go-to standby when her dating life falls to shit. I think she’s always assumed that he would just always be there as her backup. Needless to say, seeing the two of us happily together made her reconsider that particular world view. She came to him the following night confessing that she has feelings for him. Now to the outside observer this may seem like a sweet little confession from someone who had pined after a friend for a long time. We’ve all been in that position; it’s easy to empathize with her. Let me shed a little more light, shall I? This woman uses manipulation to keep a bevvy of men on hooks so that she can fill the void of her own loneliness and mask her feelings of insecurity and self-loathing with their apparent adoration. She cannot be alone with herself, must always have a man ready to be at her beck and call and another on standby in case the first doesn’t give her the appropriate amount of attention. Now I admit, we all have these leanings. Even the most well-adjusted woman likes the attention of approving members of the sex/es to which they are attracted.  But we do not go as far as thing young lady. We don’t invent issues so that a man feels an intense desire to save us. And my manfriend is a saver. I understand that bit; I am as well.

The thing I don’t understand is why I feel a sense of loss. He did eventually choose to be with her, and I did lose him. But that was a door that needed to close. His way of life included a lot of alcohol and other substances that I do not partake in and do not consider healthy or wise. I could not have joined him in his choice of recreation, nor would he have been willing to change for little ol’ me. I truthfully wouldn’t want someone who needed to change to be someone I would want to spend my life with, and I recognize this fact. But it still sucks to be passed over. It’s not so much the loss of him that pains me, I suppose. I would imagine that if I were completely honest with myself, the reason I am upset that I have lost that relationship is the fact that once again I threw myself into pursuits I have no interest in to appease my partner. Time to go back to the drawing board and promise myself, once again, that I will do better next time.

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